The dog, the pump handle and the Post Office

by John Passmore

Nobody wanted to know.

The man who had been so keen when I talked to him on the Win-a-Mini stand had changed his mind. The couple who said "Give us a ring in a couple of weeks" would be quite happy to wait til Christmas - next year.

Maybe it was the aftermath of the Bank Holiday weekend. Maybe taking three days off means you lose your momentum.

Not that I really did take three days off, of course. We may have driven to Cambridge with the younger children to see the BFG at the Arts Theatre but I still wore my 5% off badge and now a woman in a shop called Octopus knows how she can make more money by not going to work than she ever will behind a counter...

But essentially I was off duty. This was family time and I was very proud of the way I allowed no fewer than three phone calls to go to voicemail.

However today it was business as usual and I was determined to put in a morning's work. So I opened up the list and hit the phone.

Can you believe that three hours later, I had not a single appointment - not one person who said they would come to the COP?

Of course, if this had been my first day in the business I would reasonably conclude that it doesn't work - it's a waste of time. I should find myself a job.

Fortunately I've been in long enough to know that this is normal. It's called priming the pump. Just imagine all those fruitless phone calls in the same light as the effort your medieval villager had to put in on the pump handle first thing in the morning: For the first 20 or 30 strokes nothing happens...

And then, after lunch as I set off with the dog for the Post Office, we met another dog. The dogs introduced themselves as only dogs know how – and the owners complemented each other on their pets.

Whenever this happens to me, I go into sales mode – not about gas and electricity, you understand. It would never do to try and sell that sort of thing. No, I sell puppies:

“Actually she’s pregnant. You don’t want a Springer puppy do you – or half a dozen?”

It was at this point that I must have looked at the owner for the first time – because it was quite clear that she was going to be giving birth too. And reasonably soon by the look of it.

So, quite naturally the talk turned to getting paid to stay home and look after your children. Was that something she would like to know about?

“It sounds fantastic,” she said.

“It is,” I told her - and now she has a DVD.

And from that moment the sun came out and everything just got better and better. I found my way blocked by an electrician’s van on the pavement and hit him with a text. Standing in the enormous queue for the Post Office, I received an email from somebody who had been looking at the website. I called them while I waited.

And that meant that I had to turn to the woman behind me, who had two remarkably patient children, and explain: “Sorry about that. It must be infuriating to have to listen to other people’s phone conversations. But come to think of it, it’s something that might interest you. Would you like me to tell me how you can get paid for not going out to work?”

And in the time it took a man with a tatty holdall to deposit enough pound coins to pay off the Icelandic national debt, I was able to do a complete presentation.

And while I was doing it the Blackberry gave a little warble and there was a text from the electrician with the parking problem saying “Always interested in earning more money, please feel free to call any evening after 6 or any day on mobile, thanks.”

So it looks like two more the for COP on Thursday.

I suppose that what I'm trying to say is that when the pump starts gushing, just make sure you have your bucket under it...