The Pompous Approach

by John Passmore

There’s nothing quite so satisfying as being pompous when you’ve an appreciative audience – except, perhaps, being invited to be pompous.

I have a friend who is a head of department at one of our local high schools and he’s a man with a mission. The Government, apparently, has identified a problem among children from less privileged neighbourhoods: They rarely get to meet older people from outside their social circle – older people, for instance, who have achieved something particularly worthwhile in their lives.

So my friend the teacher set out to remedy this. He got together with another school and between them they invited an eminent doctor, a retired army officer, a wonderful old man who had survived Auschwitz, a woman who had built up her own successful business, various other worthies … and me.

All very well except that all the students were all under 18 so my six-a-day didn’t look so easy.

I had a good start, though – before I left home there was a call back from the day before. But he just said: “If it’s not building or ground works, I’m not interested.”

And then, at about midday, when we stopped for coffee, I found myself talking to the doctor and the army officer and one of them asked: “So what do you do now?”

Without even thinking about it, I began: “Well, I’m in the utilities business. That’s gas, electricity…”

If I had thought of it, I’d have done the “What we’ve got here is a discount club…” They might have gone for saving money. But they clearly had good pensions and so that was two more “No’s”

By the time I got home, there was nothing for it but to start hammering the list. The first one had just signed up to TalkTalk and the landlord wouldn’t let her change the electricity supplier.

Did she like renting? I asked. Would she like me to take 30 seconds to tell her how she could buy her own home?
Bingo! That’s four.

I did the next two in five minutes. The first one said no but when I got to the second, it turned out my record-keeping was awry - she was already a member.

“Ah yes,” I stammered. “Now that’s why I rang you. You see we’re looking for happy, satisfied customers who might like to make some extra money . What you do is listen out for people who moan about the credit crunch or the cost of living. Does anyone ever moan to you about those things?”

She wants to know more – and that’s my six. Spending a good part of the day being pompous was just a bonus…